Fibromyalgia. My Friend

Sitting here on my bed, I can feel my body absorb the cold air after my warm shower. My skin is starting to dry and itch and hurt. Shane has opened the curtains to the window in our room and I’m thankful that the sunlight isn’t hitting me. If it were up to me, I would shut the curtains, even though we haven’t seen very many blue skies this winter like the one outside today. The light bothers my eyes and my brain. I’m trying to remember the last time I showered. Was it last Friday? No. The Wednesday before that, for Shane’s birthday? No, but I can picture myself with my hair down so it could not have been that long before I washed it. Tuesday Morning? I take out my phone to look at my calendar app. Did something happen that Tuesday that would force me to bathe? Oh yes, there it is. Tuesday December 10th. Ten days ago, I had an appointment with my Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. So, I’ve gone ten full days since my last shower. This would be astounding if it wasn’t so common. In reality, outside of my current comprehension, this may be the longest I’ve gone hiding my greasy hair and my body odors from my family and friends but there’s no way to know for sure. It’s not uncommon for me to go a week. What’s a few more days really?

 

The sunlight is getting closer to me.

 

Fibromyalgia. FIbro. FMS. The “F” word. My best friend has a name…

Sometimes I think the only faculty she graciously leaves to me are my words. My words that go beyond my body, beyond my heating blanket, beyond my room, and then she takes those too. This is the hardest time for me to love her. Because she is my jailer. My confidant. My abuser. My home. I have tried to hate her, but she always turns that hate back on me. 

She gets me to accuse me, “I hate my skin.” I say, “I hate my brain. I hate my muscles. I hate my bones. I hate that I’m always tired and slow and foggy and angry. I hate my body. I hate myself.”  But I have learned that she is nicer to me when I am nicer to her. I stop stressing and worrying about her next move, the next night she will keep me awake long after everyone else is asleep, the next day I won’t be able to get out of bed, the next person I yell at for touching me without permission. She is nicer to me when I forgive her of her transgressions. 

There is no cure. She has inserted herself into my life and she is here to stay. But I am striving to see her for her true self. I ask her to show me her face and tell me her true name. She only whispers but I can make out her word, “Compassion.”

The suffering and pain and loneliness that she causes me, that never leaves me is felt and endured by millions of others around the world. To you, I want to say, “I’m sorry. I understand. You are not alone.”

 

Shane has left the room. I’m going to get up and close the curtains and turn off the light now. 

 

 

To be continued…

The Beginning of Something Beautiful

I’m living right now, right now in a time of struggle and hardship where Shane and I are unsure about our future. It’s a time, where years from now, we will look back and see scars over our still open wounds. We will laugh about how hard everything was and how hopeless we felt, not realizing the potential that was locked away inside of us, hungry to escape. We will think about how unaware we were of the good fortune and blessings that were waiting, silently for us right around the corner. The fortune of our life and our livelihood coming together to work, finally, in our favor.

We will reminisce when our hair is silver and our children are grown, about how Shane decided to take a leap of faith and follow his dream, and how I followed mine by supporting him and believing in myself. We will see our babies with their own, raising them to be good and strong the way they, themselves were raised.

Now, don’t think me naive or romantic. I’ve seen and experienced my fair share of heartbreak and even misery. Unfortunately, my entire family has been through so much, but that’s the beauty of life, or at least my life. I’ve lived through a lot of difficult situations and everything that I’ve lived through has taught me something about myself that I never knew was there. Shane and I have gone through horrible times together that should have ripped us apart, but in spite of it all, we fell more in love with one another and we’ve learned that there is nothing more important than commitment, support, forgiveness and faith in, and for, our family.

I truly believe that we are wading the last of it. It’s time for us to begin our lives together and live them the way we were always meant to. I know we will look back and recognize this time in our lives as the beginning of something beautiful.

Shane, the Comedian

Shane and I have been talking lately about what we are going to do next and I think we are ready to devote some real time and effort to Shane’s comedy career. We are looking into what it would take to start a business. Products with Shane’s tweets and/or jokes and of course his adorable face. Who could resist this face?

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We are also going to jump into the Open Mic circuit and get his routine together. As of now, I am going to take on the role of, “Manager” and see where we can go from there. Being totally honest, I’m not sure what’s going to happen and we are going to put a lot on the line for this but we’ve all heard about those success stories. The one out of a thousand who made it, but that one wouldn’t have succeeded if they had never tried and I truly believe that Shane will regret it if he doesn’t put it all on the line and try to make his dream come true. 

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one with the dream to see him achieve his. But as I was telling him last night, I really believe in him. I think he’s hilarious and I see how much he loves this. Making people laugh and being funny is his passion and I will do whatever I can to make it work. 

Alexis the Wheat-gan

As of today I have been wheat free since May and I have been Vegan for a week. Most people don’t put those two things together but I have decided to take it on and I am going to document my journey. 

The first thing I noticed this week is that I lost some weight. I started out being 171.2 and now I am 167.8.

The second thing I noticed was that I was extremely gassy. That’s right, stinky, hot, uncomfortably drawn out farts. Sorry about the description but anyone who is thinking about this lifestyle needs to know that with all that extra fiber in your new diet comes heightened flatulence. 

The third thing is that my family has taken notice. Shane, who flat out refused to go wheat free or vegan with me, has started eating my food. I make these delicious tacos with, “Meat Filling” and salsa, a baby spring mix, fresh chopped tomatoes and shredded carrots. They are to die for! He also likes my smoothies and he ate my entire pumpkin bread experiment (which I hated!) but he and my kids really enjoyed. My kids. They have been witnessing me eating vegan and there is definitely more curiosity than there was with the wheat free transition. Tawney (7) and Haidyn (5) are so intrigued by there mom who ate nothing for breakfast but eggs and turkey bacon, suddenly being satisfied with smoothies and veggies. Maybe I should just break out the scrambled tofu eggs already but honestly, I’m not sure if I miss eggs that much.

We watched a documentary yesterday on Netflix about the treatment of animals raised for food. I really never thought about being vegan for the animals. I have dogs but I would rather spend my time saving the unborn humans than animals, that we can and have been eating for centuries. The argument that we no longer need to live as omnivores though, is very compelling. The argument that we would be able to support 10 billion people on the planet if everyone just consumed a plant based diet is even more compelling. The truth is, with out flying off on a tangent is that we are killing everything trying to keep up with our meat consumption. 

I started this vegan diet to help with my fibromyalgia, kidney stones, weight and overall health but if I can help the Earth and teach my kids how to live a more healthy lifestyle then why not?

Well, the gas is one serious reason. I made Shane sleep on the couch one night because it was so bad. Seriously though, I’m going to stick to this diet and I’m really excited about how it’s going to change me and my family.

Late Night Baby Travels

My son is sick and asleep in my bed. It’s the middle of the night and he wakes up because he’s thirsty. He gets out of bed, leaves my room, walks down the hall, past the child gate, into the living room, past another gate and into the kitchen. (I’ve been following him, curious of his nighttime stroll. We have sleep-walkers in the family. ) He goes right up to the sink and points. “Wawa?” I ask. He points and nods yes.  So I get him a cup and fill it with water. He takes it and goes back the way he came to my room. He sleepily takes a sip. I ask him if he’s had enough. He shakes his head no. Then he knocks one back, spilling water all over himself. Now it’s just about 1 AM and he’s wide awake and won’t touch the water. It’s going to be a long night.

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Continue reading

If I’m a Vegan, I can still eat at Taco Bell right? I mean, that’s not real meat.

I’m sitting on the corner of my king size bed, in my room, watching, “Too Cute” on Netflix and eating my vegan tacos. Two of my four kids are sick with Croup, Shane and I finally got them to bed and I realized that I’ve only gone pee once today.

I’m so tired that I’m beyond any form of sleep and I said I was going to write more, so here I am writing. Shane is laying on the other side of the bed and his black, gold toed, sock covered, feet are right in front of me. He’s arm is next to Allie, our youngest daughter and the eldest of the sick ones, and he’s rubbing her feet and back trying to comfort her. She’s been sick for a few days now and I think we are taking her to the doctor in the morning. One of the worst parts of having a sick child is taking them to the doctor and hearing them say that you brought them in to early to treat. I thought the point of western medicine was to help people, especially children, get better sooner not have them get worse before they can be treated. I think she’s over the worst of it though. My poor Liam, my youngest, is just getting started. 

I’ve recently discovered Vine. I missed becoming famous with that by a half of a year. (@shab_stuff) I bet nobody remembers the app, Cheers. I was on that in the first few weeks of it going live and I had so many cheer points! I was super famous on that app, unfortunately, I was only one of about 200 people and after 15 months of, “cheersing” stuff with no new users I had to accept that it wasn’t going to catch on. 😥 I’m still not sure what’s going on with the Circle app, and I’m open to opinions. 

I want to apologize to any readers who were drawn in by my awesome title only to find themselves tricked into reading it’s stupid content. I thought I was going somewhere with this post.

Anyway… Isn’t that what Ellen says after all her shows? It’s like her production company slogan or something. 

Meow Meow

 

Writing is my passion… So I will make it so

I haven’t been in any high pressure situations to write for years. So I don’t write. The funny thing is that I tell myself that I love writing. Apparently I don’t love it as much as watching my favorite shows. I don’t love it as much as reading and I don’t love it as much as eating. In fact, if I were to create a pie chart or something I bet writing would be less than 5% of my pie. 

It’s really sad, and I don’t know how this happened to me. I would write everyday for hours before I became a mom. Some people might think, Well, Alexis, you have four children to take care of, a husband (Yes we got married!) other projects like @Shanehasabeard and Miche. It’s just life honey.

Is that true though? Life just gets in the way? Couldn’t one make the argument that life is what you make it? That you are the master of your day and if you truly love something you spend time with it? Because that’s what I want.

I am to be different from all the hundreds of thousands of people who say they’ve always wanted to write but never do. 

I am going to take my passion for writing and use it in a way that will support my family and help Shane take on his passion.

I am going to write a new post everyday and I am going to be honest about who I am. 

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MY Cray Cray Life List! (What’s yours?)

Here is a list of things I am doing this summer. Come up with your own list on your blog and link it in a comment below! Let’s see what everyone is up to!

 

  1. Wedding- I’m getting married in September and I am working on the table numbers… They are hideous! PLEASE HELP!Image Also with the wedding are the actual invitations and the wedding shower invites Imageand as I was typing this I just realized that I need to call my dress shop for an alterations appointment. Excuse me…
  2. I am the organizer of a kids group on MeetUp.com and I have to find a regular place for us to meet as well as sponsors.
  3. Of course the, “Back to School” psychotic episode is right around the corner and I have to register my 3 year old for preschool, my 5 year old for kindergarten, both girls, and since my 7 year old is the oldest girl she will get all the new clothes and the two younger ones will get the Hand-Me-Downs… So that takes care of some shopping at least!
  4. I am trying to work my businesses in my spare time. https://alexis4awesomebags.miche.com and http://www.etsy.com/shop/ShaneHasABeard I also have another business but I might have to quit that. Love the product but I don’t see myself going anywhere with the company http://14575.origamiowl.com/
  5. WE ARE MOVING!!!!! We are planning to move to Austin TX hopefully by the end of the year, but we may wait till the end the the school year. Nevertheless I am starting to pack. UGH!!! Any tips for getting ready to move even if you aren’t exactly sure on the date?
  6. The REASON we don’t know when we are moving: Mr Shane Murphy himself. Shane just started a new job and we are waiting to see how the trial period goes to help us decide if it’s ok to move. He’s doing an EXCELLENT JOB so far and I am getting ready for the Christmas date.
  7.  Image Shane is #’s6&7 because I don’t know how to work the #s (o_0)

  8. Oh yes, I have my two youngest full time this summer. My two oldest are coming back home THIS WEEKEND after staying 5 weeks with their grandparents Image
  9. My blog…. lol, I really need to keep up with it and I am going to sincerely try. OK, your turn.